Flying Solo

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Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every [thing there is] a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven   

Recently on a trip back from Poland I was watching the movie Out of Africa. There is a scene in the movie where Robert Redford goes flying up in a two-seater Gypsy Moth plane. As the pilot, he sits in the back seat. But with no one in the front seat to block his view, he has an unhindered intake of the sky in front of him. But it’s a little different when he puts Meryl Streep in the front seat to take her for a spin. He’s crazy about her. In love actually. But as the plane begins to rise he has to peer around her in order to see the sky in front of him.
   
As I thought about this scene I realized that there is one major advantage in “Flying Solo”.  There is no one there to block the view, no distraction, just you and the heavens in front of you. And that is why this blog exists at all. I've learned over the past year and a half that there is an availability in singleness that doesn’t reside in the covenant of marriage. It is the undistracted enjoyment of God.

    It is learning to allow Him to love us so well, and us to love Him so well, that when He does bring someone to climb in our front seat it won’t be because we needed the seat filled, but because we just wanted someone to enjoy the view with us.
   
We were created for relationship. Yet the greatest relationship is that of Jesus Christ. And He desires to love us lavishly during this season that He has us all to himself. Here that...there will only be a few seasons in most of our lives where He has us all to himself. So, why wish that away? Why not enjoy it, embrace it and get out of it all that we were created to be and know and become.

We’ll discuss all kinds of things here together. And each day you'll know what to expect.

Monday's will be my "musings" - Everything from loving God well to On-line dating...

Tuesday will be "tips for living"- From Health Tips to Money Tips

Wednesday will be "1 on 1" - Personal stories from those who are even now traversing the waters of all stages of singleness, learning from their experiences and walking life out with each other. 

Thursday will be the "Thumbprints of God"- Taking time to see where he has been intimately involved in loving us well through this season of our life.

Friday's will be spent with Ken Edwards- With a Masters in Divinity and a Master of the Arts in Marriage, He is a Counselor and Life Coach with over eighteen years of experience. On Friday's he'll answer our questions on everything from dealing with loneliness, to sex and the single life.

Saturday's are dinner and a movie night- We'll share our favorite movies and recipes for the evenings we pack our houses with good friends and good conversations and hope you'll share yours with us.

Sunday is our day to reflect- This is your day. You can reflect on whatever you want- your week- your fears- your joys...It's your day.

    And there will be so much more. We’ll talk about how to pray for the right mate, myths of marriage, the grief of divorce and healing from the death of a spouse. We’ll go to the deep places of intimacy and co-dependency. We’ll share our favorite recipes for getting together with friends and when one of us has someone come along to climb in the front seat we’ll celebrate with each other.This is a community of people who have been privileged, if only for a season, to have the beauty of an uninhibited view of God, His calling on our lives and making the most out of the moments we’ve been given. A spouse will come if it’s in God’s plan and we can fight over the toilet seat then. A season will come when kids will be spilling Hi-C and breaking our hearts soon enough. But this time, this solitary and wonderful season, won’t be here forever. So why don’t we take advantage of it. May we not miss the joy in “Flying Solo”. I promise, it’s an amazing view!

Wednesday 1 on 1 with Ken

For Wednesday’s and Thursday’s of this month we are doing something different. Ken is sharing some of the stories that he has walked through with his clients over his last twenty years of counseling. These are some of their stories.

Ken, we know that molestation is epidemic. It also can define a personal’s sexual decisions. Can you share with us what some of these stories look like?

I’ve seen this so many times. I had one client who was raped multiple times by a family member and that trauma twisted her understanding of sexuality. Her response to that was to be sexual, and part of the impact of that was shutting down her heart. She was offering her body instead. She could get naked, but she wasn’t offering herself. Because our true self is found in our hearts.
So, my experience with her was pursuing her heart. It was so difficult because it was so shut down. It was like trying to find traction to get in there. Because it was so wounded, and the wounding was a sexual wounding, so as I moved toward her, my movement was sexualized in her mind.

Do people that go through sexual trauma like that have to sexualize all of the relationships in their lives in order to make sense of them or give them a sense of place?

Classically you’ve got two camps. You’ve got the don’t touch me. Don’t get near me. You can’t have it. You will even have people get married with this kind of closed of heart.
The other camp just becomes promiscuous- and it’s for different reasons- For some it’s the only way they feel validated. Thinking it is the only closeness they can get- But in some ways it reaffirms their lack of value.

So how did you move in to engage her heart?

To engage her heart you do that in small ways trying to help her see her beauty. And as a therapist my role is to try to get the door, open it and then make it about her and me. That this is a real realationship. Then I’m no longer a counselor but Ken the man caring for her. That is always my goal. Because if I can do that then it becomes real. But some people never enter into the realness of it. And I’m like can we have something real in here? Let me be real to you. And then they can see a man caring for a woman and caring for her in a healthy appropriate way.

I remember one client who just totally melted down- and every session I had with her she couldn’t quit weeping because she was being loved for the very first time.

So, did this woman ever allow herself to see you as a man and woman in a healthy relationship?

Yes, that one did. Some don’t. And it was a fight with her. It lasted ten years- on and off.
Popped back in – Ended up getting married and had marital issues. Her husband became healthy enough that it wound up putting her in a squeeze play. So she was like I finally have to deal with this stuff.

What did dealing with her stuff look like for her?

It looked like finally confronting the shame of her past. Finally claiming that she had been violated, that it wasn’t her fault. That someone in authority had abused her. But after that she had made the decision to be promiscuous. That no one else made that decision for her. And that was when her healing was able to begin.

Tuesday Tips

Our tips for this month are going to be a little different. Instead, of tips- Ken is offering us Homework assignments. These homework assignments will go with his musings for each Monday.

Some will be concrete assignments. Others will be more abstract. You can do one or both, but we encourage you to do at least one. And if you’re willing, we would love to know how participating in these have affected you.

Homework:

Concrete: Go to the mall and take 12 roses and hand them out to strangers and say, “Would you like a rose?” And pay attention to how you are received.

Abstract: Imagine the rose as a metaphor for your beauty. How much of your beauty do you offer and how is it received?

Got some of your favorite tips you would like to share? Email valencia@denisehildreth.com

Monday Musings w/Ken

This month our friend and counselor, Ken Edwards is handling our blog. And we’re talking about SEX! We knew that would get your attention. And since he has twenty years of experiencing in counseling people through all different kinds of journeys, I felt he would be best suited for the task. We’ll be talking about it in ways you’ve thought of, and hopefully ways that you haven’t. Our format will look a little different this month. And as always, feel free to engage with us however you’d like to. Your thoughts and questions are always welcome…So, here we go. Take it away Ken…

I love this time of year. The crisp cool air, the changing colors and the smell of pumpkin lattes tell me it’s fall. The beauty of this season heightens my senses and makes me feel more alive. I believe this is what God intended. He created this world to be experienced through our senses and His desire for that experience is to lead us to Him. God enjoys beauty and since we’re created in His image we enjoy beauty as well. All authentic beauty is a reflection of creation and therefore is a reflection of God. This being true, every time we respond to beauty we’re really responding to God.

Responding to beauty requires us to be connected or present to our hearts. Being present to your heart simply means that you’re willing to be vulnerable with yourself. Many people, because of pain or lack of modeling, are unwilling to engage with this kind of vulnerability. God pursues us every day to open our hearts. He uses creation to seduce us out into the open hoping that we will see Him. God, in His holy sensual nature, is callings us to engage with our hearts and to join Him with our lives.

Sometimes it feels like God is aloof and difficult to connect with but if we start small and simple we will soon be on our way. Jesus said that we must become like children in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. Young children live with a sense of awe. If we become like them encountering this life with a sense of wonder, enjoy the beauty He’s giving us and we’re willing to embrace the truth and that beauty is an extension of His love, then we’ll begin to see Him when we see beauty.

If you struggle with knowing what you feel, have a hard time finding God or avoid intimacy of any kind then you are not fully present with your heart. Its okay you’re not alone. But refuse to accept that this is life. Take a risk and ask God to open your heart to Him then allow yourself the freedom to be curious. Let that new curiosity lead you to begin looking for evidence of God. Ask God to help you see beauty with a pure heart. Tell Him you’re willing to be seduced by His holiness.

Sunday - Thankful Reflections

This day is dedicated just for you. This is your time to share with us somethings that you are thankful for. This is your time and space.

Saturday Dinner and A Movie

Pumpkin Lasagna Recipe

Taste of Home

 

Ingredients:

1/2 pound sliced fresh mushrooms
1 small onion, chopped
1/2 teaspoon salt, divided
2 teaspoons Crisco® Light Olive Oil
1 can (15 ounces) solid-pack pumpkin
1/2 cup half-and-half cream
1 teaspoon dried sage leaves
Dash pepper
9 no-cook lasagna noodles
1 cup reduced-fat ricotta cheese
1 cup (4 ounces) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
3/4 cup shredded Parmesan cheese

Directions:

In a small skillet, saute the mushrooms, onion and 1/4 teaspoon salt in oil until tender; set aside. In a small bowl, combine the pumpkin, cream, sage, pepper and remaining salt.

Spread 1/2 cup pumpkin sauce in an 11-in. x 7-in. baking dish coated with cooking spray. Top with three noodles (noodles will overlap slightly). Spread 1/2 cup pumpkin sauce to edges of noodles. Top with half of mushroom mixture, 1/2 cup ricotta, 1/2 cup mozzarella and 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese.

Repeat layers. Top with remaining noodles and sauce.

Cover and bake at 375° for 45 minutes. Uncover; sprinkle with remaining Parmesan cheese. Bake 10-15 minutes longer or until cheese is melted. Let stand for 10 minutes before cutting. Yield: 6 servings.

Do you have a favorite recipe and Movie you would like to share? Email valencia@denisehildreth.com

All that Neal Page wants to do is to get home for Thanksgiving. His flight has been cancelled due to bad weather, so he decides on other means of transport. As well as bad luck, Neal is blessed with the presence of Del Griffith, Shower Curtain Ring Salesman and all-around blabbermouth, who is never short of advice, conversation, bad jokes, or company.

Movie: Planes,Trains And Automobiles

Fridays with Ken

Ken- going a little farther into our topics this week – Your story from Wednesday was about a young woman who was single and finally decided that she was going to walk out a sexual relationship with her boyfriend, and then the challenge after that of disconnecting that soul tie. I’m sure there are many of our readers who have done just that. How would you counsel them in breaking free from this deep place of connection that being in a sexual relationship with someone who isn’t your spouse creates?

You have to accept that it is going to hurt because you’re going to feel the tearing of rejection and loneliness.  Many experience fear because they wonder if they will ever find love again.  It’s important to have good non-judgmental community to come around you.  Sometimes this is difficult because the relationship may have driven friends away.  It’s also important to work through whatever issues created the compromise in the first place. 

With our second story this week - what is the final message to the life who has kept themselves pure, is getting older and still hasn’t found a person to spend the rest of their lives with even though that is their heart’s desire? What do you do with the sexual desire that God placed in the soul of you and on some days is just dang hard to deal with?

Many times people feel anger that God would place so much desire in them but we need to be curious about what God is doing.  We can look to Him for definition that is specific to our journey.  That definition looks different for everyone so I will need to speak generally.  God is not in the business of squandering what He has created.  We tended to struggle big time with patience.  We want freedom now and when we live in a world that is so focused on pleasure and impulsivity we miss out on the beauty anticipation of what God may do.
 

Ken Edwards is a graduate of the University of Arkansas and has earned a Master of Divinity, Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and a Master of Arts in Religious Education of Southwestern Seminary. But his discernment matches his education and for me often the greater gift. He lives with his wife Janet and three children in Franklin, Tennessee. And this is him enjoying what he loves, the mountains in Wyoming. Except he's usually behind the camera. And he has been kind enough to spend Friday’s with us. What he is offering us regarding his time is a gift. I hope we will take advantage of it.

Got Question's for Ken? Email your questions to valencia@denisehildreth.com

Thursday Thumbprint

For Wednesday’s and Thursday’s of this month I decided to interview Ken regarding different clients he has had and their stories. 

 

Ken, A lot of people have be single, saving themselves for marriage, and yet there is no spouse. What does that journey look like from your seat?

Ken- Well, I had a client who was a forty year old virgin. And when she walked into my office, she was angry. She felt like she had done it right and that now God had her over a barrel.
She looked at me and said, “Where’s my man?”
I said, “I don’t know, but you probably won’t find him like that because you’re scaring me.”

We both got a laugh out of that statement.

Ken - The church is probably guilty of saying, “if you do it this way it will work out.” And I will say, “It never does.” Because life is about struggle. they may wink at it, but they don’t talk about it. That’s why people come and go from churches. Because they come needing something real and talk around it instead of talking about it. 

What place did this woman come to?

She basically just kind of lost hope and wandered off. I started pushing into that place and it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. I was saying life was more about the journey than what we think it is supposed to be. I wasn’t trying to get her to embrace being single forever. She may have had to. But I was trying to get her to embrace her journey.

I know a lot of single adults who have guarded their sexuality in really good ways, they don’t feel called to celibacy, but they’re not fulfilled. And God uses it. I think there are people out there who are called to celibacy, but I haven’t met any of them.

So, do you not think that God would take away the desire if that was the place He was calling them to?

No, I don’t. Because I think the desire is good. I think what He will do, even in the case of celibacy, is He will give you the grace to handle it.

If she had continued to work with you where would you have gone?

To surrender. Would she surrender herself in her pain to the Lordship of Jesus Christ? Because this life is far more about Christ than about us. We look at ourselves as this little spec of dust in the universe and expect everything to resolve around us instead we should be revolving around Him.

The question should be why does He exist and why did He choose to create me? I will never be Creator. I will always have to get my identity, my life, everything from Him. Bad example, but my dog will always get his needs met from me. Same is true with us. It’s not about our marital status-vocation-money-it is about nothing but what is He calling me to and will I surrender to that. And that is painful no matter what state we are in. There is something great about it. But in my humanity I tend to focus on the pain.

That’s part of the tragedy of the church; we don’t go deep enough with it, to talk about both sides. We don’t talk about the pain intelligently- Nor do we talk about the pleasure and beauty of being completely surrendered to God, but once again there is so little surrender.

To share your Thumbprint moment email valencia@denisehildreth.com

 

Wednesday 1 on 1 with Ken

For Wednesday’s and Thursday’s of this month we are doing something different. Ken is sharing some of the stories that he has walked through with his clients over his last twenty years of counseling. These are some of their stories.

 
Ken, for our first story, to go along with your musing this past Monday, can you give us an idea of how the church shaped their thought process on sex?

Sure, this young woman grew up in a typical, evangelical environment. They communication regarding sex was that it was meant for marriage and that virginity should be held on to for marriage. So, she made it through college and in her early thirties she was still a virgin. But she wound up struggling with her level of sexual desire. When she would be involved in dating relationships and she would kiss her boyfriends, she wanted more. So there was this healthy piece that the church never communicated what she needed to do with it.

I believe the church gave a good message to her regarding the fact that sex was for marriage, but they didn’t give her a message of what to do with a natural sexual desire.

So, it left her out there not understanding what to do with the desire inside of her. She eventually made the decision not to wait anymore and became sexually involved which clouded the relationship. Because being sexual with someone creates a commitment. The Bible talks about joining spirits together. So an unwritten commitment made when your sexual caused her to feel that tug of commitment even when she didn’t feel like she was to marry him. Causing it to take her a long time to end it.

And the intertwining still continued. Because of this strong connection that the physical created.

So, did the church let her down?

Yes and no.  In her case the church had provided a basic positive message that communicated that sex was a good thing that God had given us but that it was intended for marriage.  One of the big issues that I think they missed was talking about desire.  I say this gently because the church has beaten up enough but we need to move beyond a prudish approach to sex.  We can up hold the same values of chastity without removing or ignoring desire.

So, what is the message they should be telling us?

The church needs to become more engaged with what people in the world are really struggling with and join them in the dialog.  The church, historical, lead in the expression of passion and it’s understanding but we have abdicated that role to the world.  The need to help folks to understand that all passion is good and that sin happens when passion is mishandled.

Tuesday Tips

Our tips for this month are going to be a little different. Instead, of tips- Ken is offering us Homework assignments. These homework assignments will go with his musings for each Monday.

Some will be concrete assignments. Others will be more abstract. You can do one or both, but we encourage you to do at least one.

Concrete- A list of what you want- Covering all areas of your life-
Spiritual- Relational- Material – Professional-Emotional

Abstract- This week write down 5 ways God is wooing/seducing your heart towards your heart to Him. +

Got some of your favorite tips you want to share? Email them to valencia@denisehildreth.com

Monday Musings

This month our friend and counselor, Ken Edwards is handling our blog. He told me a couple months ago, “You know what we haven’t discussed on the blog yet?” I said, “What?” He said, “Sex.” (I knew that would get your attention. I said, “Well, if you think we need to talk about it, then I’m going to let you handle that one.”

So he is. This month I’m handing my musings over to Ken. With twenty years of counseling in his experiences and so many people’s stories, we are drawing on his wisdom, discernment and experience. I have come to trust him with my deep places and the truths he is going to impart this month should encourage and challenge us all.

Now, let’s talk about sex…Ken, it’s all yours.

Do you ever get hungry but you’re not quite sure what it is you want to eat?  So you go into the kitchen and begin to rummage through the refrigerator hoping you’ll find that mystery food that will satisfy your craving. This is kind of how it is with God and us.  We’re born into this world hungry…soul hungry so we begin to rummage around looking for that mystical food that will satisfy our souls.  With increasing numbers people are turning to sex in order to fill the void that is in their souls.  Both believers and unbelievers are looking to sex hoping for fulfillment.  Unbelievers look because they haven’t discovered the truth and believers look because they don’t fully believe the truth.

Feel no guilt if you struggle with the truth, it’s just part of the journey. The problem I see among my fellow travelers is that they’re not engaged in the struggle…because they’re not engaged with the truth.  It’s not easy to engage with the longings we have for intimacy, for love and for acceptance in our relationship with God. Engagement with God can feel abstract and aloof as we reach out to Him. We want the warmth of someone to be close, to share our thoughts with and to enjoy sexual pleasure. We want the warmth of a physical god.

Although, God doesn’t encounter us physically in a sexual experience, He does offer something far deeper.  Something that can be encountered on a soul level, but this is where most people check out and honestly, I don’t blame them.  The church offers many positive messages concerning sex but it also adds to the confusion by not entering into the struggle. The real struggle is not with sex or sexual desire. The primary struggle is with our longing to be known as soul and on a soul level. This longing will never be satisfied with sex or anything else for that matter. It might be postponed or avoided but the connecting of our soul with its Creator will not be found sexually. We need to begin asking God this question, “Why have you placed so much desire in me?”  As we ask Him this kind of question we look to Him to define its purpose instead of looking to the world. It’s a raw question that requires us to be in a raw place. 

Most modern Christians don’t do well with being raw. We are afraid that God won’t show up. But Jesus said in Luke 4:18 that he came to set free those who are broken-hearted…that’s us!  We need to be set free not in order to sin but to live passionately with God and for Him. Take a risk with God by beginning to take your desires to Him. Be patient with yourself because it will take some time to grow your understanding of God in this way.

This month our friend and counselor, Ken Edwards is handling our blog. He told me a couple months ago, “You know what we haven’t discussed on the blog yet?” I said, “What?” He said, “Sex.” (I knew that would get your attention. I said, “Well, if you think we need to talk about it, then I’m going to let you handle that one.”

So he is. This month I’m handing my musings over to Ken. With twenty years of counseling in his experiences and so many people’s stories, we are drawing on his wisdom, discernment and experience. I have come to trust him with my deep places and the truths he is going to impart this month should encourage and challenge us all.

Now, let’s talk about sex…Ken, it’s all yours.

Do you ever get hungry but you’re not quite sure what it is you want to eat?  So you go into the kitchen and begin to rummage through the refrigerator hoping you’ll find that mystery food that will satisfy your craving. This is kind of how it is with God and us.  We’re born into this world hungry…soul hungry so we begin to rummage around looking for that mystical food that will satisfy our souls.  With increasing numbers people are turning to sex in order to fill the void that is in their souls.  Both believers and unbelievers are looking to sex hoping for fulfillment.  Unbelievers look because they haven’t discovered the truth and believers look because they don’t fully believe the truth.

Feel no guilt if you struggle with the truth, it’s just part of the journey. The problem I see among my fellow travelers is that they’re not engaged in the struggle…because they’re not engaged with the truth.  It’s not easy to engage with the longings we have for intimacy, for love and for acceptance in our relationship with God. Engagement with God can feel abstract and aloof as we reach out to Him. We want the warmth of someone to be close, to share our thoughts with and to enjoy sexual pleasure. We want the warmth of a physical god.

Although, God doesn’t encounter us physically in a sexual experience, He does offer something far deeper.  Something that can be encountered on a soul level, but this is where most people check out and honestly, I don’t blame them.  The church offers many positive messages concerning sex but it also adds to the confusion by not entering into the struggle. The real struggle is not with sex or sexual desire. The primary struggle is with our longing to be known as soul and on a soul level. This longing will never be satisfied with sex or anything else for that matter. It might be postponed or avoided but the connecting of our soul with its Creator will not be found sexually. We need to begin asking God this question, “Why have you placed so much desire in me?”  As we ask Him this kind of question we look to Him to define its purpose instead of looking to the world. It’s a raw question that requires us to be in a raw place. 

Most modern Christians don’t do well with being raw. We are afraid that God won’t show up. But Jesus said in Luke 4:18 that he came to set free those who are broken-hearted…that’s us!  We need to be set free not in order to sin but to live passionately with God and for Him. Take a risk with God by beginning to take your desires to Him. Be patient with yourself because it will take some time to grow your understanding of God in this way.